I am a devout follower of the ideas behind the Four Agreements, that wonderful book written by Don Miguel Ruiz, first published in 1997. This book changed how I showed up in the world and I continue to share its wisdom with most all of my clients. In a nutshell, the four agreements are simply stated yet complicated to adhere to. They are:
Be impeccable with your word.
Don’t take things personally.
Don’t make assumptions.
Always do your best.
I wanted to talk about the month of September and focus on that last agreement. Always do your best. I, like many anxious people, am a perfectionist by nature. I sometimes care too much about how I am perceived in the world- and when I make a mistake or don’t ascend to some greater notion of myself, I exchange those shortcomings for intense self doubt. It can fuel an out of control imposter syndrome if I am not careful.
September is a hectic month full of appointments, birthdays, and responsibilities. This is why, I have not been able to write a blog post this month. I started the month by helping to organize a massive training for therapists and social workers here in Austin - and ended the month with celebrating both of my children’s birthdays. On top of that, I have a wonderfully busy private practice and physical therapy appointments for the humerus fracture I gave myself back in April.
When my children were very little, I would spend months planning birthday parties. Exquisitely curated Pinterest boards of pirate and mermaid themed parties, hand crafted invitations with original artwork, goody bags full of treasures purchased months in advance. I also want to add that this was when my anxiety was at its worst.
Since that time, I have survived cancer and made a decision to make some major changes around how I handle stress. I set boundaries around my time. And most importantly, I have exchanged the notion that self confidence means getting everything right with the idea that self confidence means that no matter what happens, I have the wisdom and heart to do what is needed, ask for support, and weather the storm.
Fast forward to today. My youngest told me four days before his birthday that he really wanted a slumber party. I sent out a quick text to see if any of his closest friends could come. They said yes. We decided to have the party Saturday night. Thursday night, I went out and bought a huge tent to put in the living room for all the boys to sleep in. Saturday morning, I ran to target and bought flashlights, thinking putty, sour worms, and glow sticks to put in their goody bags. I also bought some cupcakes. We ordered out for pizza. For entertainment, we went on a walk in the neighborhood with our flashlights in hand making shadow puppets on the fences. Now everyone is gone and the house is quiet. My son told me it was the best party ever before he fell fast asleep.
Always do your best doesn’t mean that you do “the best”… it means that you understand how your best changes in each moment. It means having self compassion. Doing your best involves mindfulness. It means being mindful of your resources, asking for help, and setting boundaries. It is recognizing that as long as you are trying and doing what you can - you can’t be asked to do more than that. In order to do my best, I had to stop setting unrealistic goals. I had to promise to love myself no matter how things turn out.
This week, I was rushing out the door to take my son to an early morning doctors appointment before school. I rushed through traffic and got there just in time. As we got out of the car, my son tells me, “I am only wearing one shoe.” How exactly that happens I am not sure. Old me might have been embarrassed beyond belief - concerned that this would reflect negatively about my ability to be a good parent. New me laughed and took a picture. Whatever. Glad you have socks on. This was our best today…. and that’s okay. We will stop off and get the other shoe before I drop you off at school.