I probably mention DEAR MAN at least fifteen times a week in my practice. It is an amazing tool. It can help us to ask for what we need, assert the things that people need to know, and set boundaries to keep us safe. And it is a pretty simple formula. Granted, I am not super fan of the acronym… DEAR MAN… but it is easy to remember and I have never been able to think of a better acronym… so we will trust Marsha Linehan on this one.
DEAR MAN works because it is simple, easy to remember, and effective. It follows a very set guideline that even kids in elementary school could easily understand. So, I will use an example loosely based on a child I knew many years ago. Let’s pretend a child who suffers with anxiety wants a dog.
D- Describe
Describe the current situation. Don’t use judgment. Just the facts.
“Mom. The other day, Deann brought a therapy dog to the classroom. He was super sweet and cute. I was reading about how pets can often be really good for people with anxiety. He let me pet him. He was super soft.”
E- Emotions / Express
Express your feelings and emotions about the situation. Remember to use “I” statements. Don’t assume that people know how you feel. You have to tell them.
“I noticed that when I was petting the dog, I felt so happy and calm. I think I am generally pretty lonely at home. I don’t have a ton of friends and I am often pretty sad. I really felt so good around this dog.”
A- Assert/Ask
This is where you ask for what you need or assert a boundary. Be careful to not assume that others will know what you need or what you are asking for. Others might not even understand how hard it is for you to ask for what you need! Be concrete.
“I was thinking that I would like for us to adopt a small dog that I can use as a support animal.”
R- Reinforce/ Reward
Why should this person give you what you want? How can you make them feel good about giving you what you need?
“I really feel that having a dog would make a major difference to my mental health. I also think it would teach me to be responsible and keep me from feeling so lonely. I have been working really hard lately, and I really do believe that this would help me to achieve some of the goals we have talked about with Deann. Pets are really wonderful support."
The MAN in DEAR MAN, is all about how to do these first four steps.
M - Mindful
Sometimes when we are trying to set boundaries or ask for what we need, the person on the other end of the request will do all kinds of things to make us stop. They may change the subject, ignore us, say it isn’t important. Being mindful means sticking to the conversation points. Ignoring distractions and not responding to attacks.
A- Appear Confident
My clients and I always laugh at this one because of that word “Appear”… which really just means, it is okay if you are not confident, just pretend! Appear effective. Communicate clearly. No stammering or looking at your shoes. Stand up tall. You have every right to communicate your needs. Don’t start off with things like… “It’s okay if you say no.”… Ack! They will definitely say no if that is how you start.
N- Negotiate
Be willing to negotiate. Sometimes we may have to bend a little to get what we need. Focus on how both of you can get something you want. Sometimes, a clear no is just that - and there can be no negotiation. That’s okay. In my puppy story, the child’s mother did not agree to a dog. (Sad, I know)… but did agree to a guinea pig! Which was a super happy outcome!
I love DEAR MAN. Next time, I will talk about factors that can reduce interpersonal effectiveness.
So stay tuned!
Image by Katherine McAdoo @ Unsplash