“But Deann…. I tried using Dear Man… and it just didn’t work!”
Unfortunately, sometimes, despite your best efforts, things go sideways, people act unfavorably, and you aren’t able to be effective in communicating your needs or wants. Many of my clients have heard me run through “Dear Man” (The tool we use in DBT to have more effective communication in relationships) for all types of situations… the band member who doesn’t come to rehearsals… the request for a parent to extend a curfew… asking a partner to clean the kitchen… It is a super effective tool (More on that later), but sometimes, it just doesn’t work. Luckily, DBT has an amazing worksheet just about those situations…
Lack of Skills
Sometimes, we just don’t know how to use the formula in a way to be effective. Maybe we don’t really know what we want or how to ask for it. Maybe we aren’t able to maintain our own self respect or preserve the relationship in the asking for what we need. Lack of skills can be a problem. But with practice, it gets easier and easier. I honestly wish that young children were taught DEAR MAN… it would make a massive difference in their lives. It has felt like magic in my own life.
Worry Thoughts
Sometimes, we can get so worried about asking for what we want that we aren’t able to sound confident. Maybe we are worried that others won’t like us… or maybe we are worried that we will sound needy or pushy. Worry thoughts create barriers to asking for and getting what we need in our relationships.
Emotions
Sometimes our negative emotions can be so extreme, that we are not able to use the tools that we know we have. When we are controlled by our emotion brain, we can sometimes make poor decisions or act out rashly. We don’t live our values and feel the pangs of regret later. Sometimes, I will write an email rather than speak to someone in person when I know my emotions are heated. This is to try to find ways to stay in wise mind - and not let my emotions stand in the way of communicating effectively.
Indecision
This goes back to the idea that we might not be clear about what we want or what we want to communicate in a given situation. Maybe in reality, we are ambivalent. Sometimes we ask for too much. Other times we set harsh boundaries that don’t make sense for the relationship. Either way, indecision can be a barrier to getting what you need.
The Environment
This is my favorite one. Sometimes the environment in which we are asking or making our assertion is just not one that will ever be conducive to us getting what we need. Other people may have too much power (think of the boss who feels that they do not have to bend), other times individuals are too jealous or threatened, and sometimes they are reacting to something that in all intents and purposes has nothing to do with you at all. Some people are set on not giving you what you need unless they can punish you first. It is important to recognize when this is happening, because if you don’t, you might extrapolate that it is the skills that aren’t working - when in fact, the environment was going to be one that would never let you be successful. Understanding this might help you to figure out how to hold better boundaries in the future.
So….
Keep trying DEAR MAN. Even if it feels like it isn’t working. You will get better and better at it. And the best thing about DEAR MAN is that being effective in how you communicate means that you don’t have to feel terrible later about that awful thing you said or did in order to get your needs met.